it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
zippers are such a cool invention
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!