I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
