i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
