awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Randomize
