my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
how does that bad decision feel?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
