I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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