please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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