I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Randomize
