phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
