I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
