how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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