don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
