So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
