You don't have asthma, your pregnant
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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