you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe isn't a time...
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.