i think my tv is drunk
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.