can we get nightvision for the apartment?
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
