my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
These 27 People Had No Idea What They Were Doing When It Came To Sex
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
This is the high leading the old right now
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..