when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
