How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Did you just see the Batmobile???
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Randomize
