Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
