my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
