my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Randomize
