Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
