apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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