my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
i dont even know how to be here
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
