i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
