I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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