Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
