well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
