So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
