hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
