Having a random hookup so left but love u
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
