Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
