walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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