his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
