..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
