Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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