I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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