Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Randomize
