I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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