you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
