i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
