it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
