i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Randomize
