It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Randomize
