8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
