I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Randomize
