Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
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