I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
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