oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Randomize
