Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
