note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Randomize
