I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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