My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Randomize
