Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
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It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
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I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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