I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
