we're chasing vodka with high fives
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
