Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
me + whiskey = a bad person
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Im part way to drunk.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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