Little spoons don't ask big questions
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
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i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
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