It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
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