When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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