remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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